Revisit to "Things I have learned"

I love rereading old emails.  I found this one the other day from a class that I was teaching with Ivy Blumberg.  Thought you might all enjoy....

Things I have learned:


1. Don’t let stress rule in the morning. We can pass our stress on to our children and set them up for a stressful day. It also impairs our judgment. It causes you to do things like pulling out of the driveway with the passenger door open. (I never knew that a van door could bend in half…literally!)

2. Don’t let fast food become your norm. When you do have time to serve a home cooked meal, the children won’t eat it because it doesn’t come in a wrapper.

3. Don’t buy a house with white tile floors if you have three boys.

4. There is no house cleaning fairy. And no matter how hard you pray, God will not clean the house for you either.

5. If you think that teenagers need you less, you haven’t been reading the paper or watching the news. The amount of money you will spend on your kids increases in direct proportion to their age.

6. Don’t forget to pray in the morning. Going out into a working moms day without the protection of prayer is like trying white water rafting without an oar. You go wherever the ripples take you rather than where you want to go.

7. Don’t try to make up for a lack of previous vacations by visiting an entire state in one week.

8. Don’t let guilt dictate your decisions. This will lead to you to making decisions like having 15 11-year-old boys over for a sleep over after you have worked 70 hours in a week.

9. Don’t take on more than you can chew…situations get out of hand quickly…the police are called and soon you have four eleven year olds spread out on the hood of a police car. This is not a good testimony to your neighbors.  (And yes....this really happened!)

10. Teach your children to pick up their toys when they are non-lethal. Lego’s cause a momentary pain, fishhooks require an ER visit.

And lastly….

Don’t forget to laugh. It may cause more wrinkles than crying but your children won’t look at your red eyes and wonder if you’ve been smoking things that you’ve warned them about.

Little Cowboys

As I looked through my magic box of pictures today, I was first of all remiss that it has been over a month since I have written.  It does not seem like its been since July....where in the heck did August go?   I started up a new term in school again a few weeks ago, and I am once again buried in Nursing Research studies.  This is a welcome break!

I found three pictures that brought me back to a somewhat simpler time.  It was not unusual years ago to find a lone cowboy, seemingly out of place on a city street, walking his Shetland Pony.  He would find young mothers, like myself, and we would pay a nominal fee to have our kids photographed with the pony.  The kids loved it and I'll bet you can find similar pictures in boxes everywhere in the United States.  I wish I could find the dates of the pictures - Matt looks about 3 so I'm assuming it was around 1995. 

I have other pictures of the kids on the horse, but not a full set.  Matt's is somehow missing.  I have no memories of him not getting on the horse but at my age, I've discovered that I have blocked out all that is traumatic.  These ages were so much fun.  The boys were in constant motion - it's amazing that they stood still long enough to get the pictures.  I'm sure that the horse must have been medicated.  Looking at the pictures, he does look extremely subdued. 

Another picture that brought a smile to my face is one of the four of us.  I know we weren't smiling all the time.  I know there were tears.  I know there were times that we drove each other crazy.  I even remember the horrible day that we collectively killed the guinea pig - another story for another time.  Overall, however....this is what I remember most.  Three amazing boys that made my life have some very special meaning.....It doesn't get much better than that. 


Love to you all.....

The Family that Works Together....

This post speeds ahead to just last year.  We decided to open a family business....me, the boys, and Eric.  A little bit of history - Before the boys were born, I worked as an Inventory Auditor for several companies, one of them based in Burbank.   I worked for a very nice man, Chris Smith, and basically crawled around on convenience store floors with a calculator strapped to my leg.  It was what I would call honest work, albeit, not very glamorous.  Every piece of retail inventory in the store had to counted, categorized and totaled.  Every soda can....every candy bar....every gum pack....and most of the stores were not what you consider....squeaky clean.  When my old boss contacted me a few years ago asking me to pick up his San Diego region, trust me, my immediate answer was "No Way!"  I have a real job now, one that doesn't require me to shower afterwards...but then, he asked the winning question...."how about having your boys do it?"   Hmmm....maybe....they would have their own business....and regular money coming in....and I would be leading them down the path of entrepreneurship.   Of course, I said...."sure". 

What I didn't consider was that I had been recently promoted to Director at my full time job, and that my hours had greatly increased.  In order to fit our new business into my schedule, we had to begin our day at 5am.  We took on 14 convenience stores that took us anywhere from one to three hours to complete.....and that was after we finished training.  The first month was pretty slow.  I will say that the boys must have calculator talents in their genes as they picked it up pretty quickly.  Chris became our "Cooler Guy" and counted beer, wine and soda in almost every store.   He had a talent for counting cases, and was able to count by seeing what was missing, rather than what was there.  He became very quick and accurate over time. 

Tommy would count the Checkout, Matt would count the 'tables' and I would grab the backroom and whatever was left over.  We actually worked really well together and I enjoyed the time that we had.   We would work about two to three mornings a week and usually drive two to three cars (not the best way to save expenses!) since we all had to be at either work or school at different times.  We worked almost every Saturday and then would go to breakfast.  Eric would join in when he was free and all five of us would spend the morning together.   It may not have been the typical family Saturday but I really enjoyed it.   Ok....for those that were friends with me during that time....enjoyed may be a bit strong.  I had my moments of sheer craziness....but I will say, that I enjoyed our actual time together very much! 

The early mornings became overwhelming for me after a year, as well as the number of stores going through revamps.  At every store that was being remodeled, we were met with 20 or 30 plastic bins of miscellaneous 'stuff' that had to be dumped and counted.  The stores began taking several hours longer so were not financially feasible anymore and we decided to pass the work onto another company.  I do really miss the time together; we spent more time together then than probably any other since they became teenagers.  I'm sad in some ways that I couldn't hang on for longer.  Eventually, I would have been able to back out and let them run the business.  I think it was just too much at the time. 

I'm proud of what we did accomplish and I did get to do a lot of coaching on work ethics.....like it's not a good idea to roll out of bed ten minutes before you need to be somewhere...or flip flops are not appropriate work attire....and it doesn't matter if you don't want to finish something, you have to keep working until it is done. We just had another family day yesterday and it again, made me proud. The boys attended Eric's Retirement Ceremony. They were respectfully attentive and I watched Matt walk up to the other Retirement participant, Commander King, shake his hand and thank him for his service. Proud moment for a proud mama.

All three boys showed great respect for Eric's accomplishment, as they should.  It was good to be together as a family yesterday.  I have learned now that these moments are golden....easily stolen...and never to be taken  for granted.  Time continues to move forward and can never be regained.  This blog has become another way for me to hang on to these little moments of time.  Thanks you for sharing them with me! 

  

Watch Tommy Grow

I've written before about how striking Tommy was as a toddler; he continued with his good boy looks long past his terrible two's.  Tommy was graced with a thick head of hair, a great smile and a very outgoing personality.   I refer to him as my "emotional twin" (poor boy!).  Tommy and I have always enjoyed time talking, usually late at night or early in the morning.  He has incredible insight and good sense, although, just like his mother, he doesn't always use it!    Take a look down at the pictorial journey of seeing Tommy become the man that he is!

All that we had....

Christmas can be a struggle as a single parent.  There is always the feeling of inadequacy that you can't get your kids the same type of presents that their friends are getting.  Those feelings continue to get amplified when you forget what's really important and focus on what you don't have.  What was really funny about this, was I don't think the boys felt that they were missing anything.  We were adopted by Grossmont College one year and received a large black trashbag of wrapped gifts for each of us.  We were also adopted by the Nursing Program one year.  They had done a food drive and split the food between me and another single mom.  I had canned food in every room since I couldn't fit it all into the kitchen!  We invited the campus group to come over and go shopping. 

Grossmont College also had a Christmas party every year for the single parents.  The party was complete with Santa Claus, dinner and party gifts.  This picture would have been from the year I was graduating. 

One of the things that makes me ponder frequently, is how I was much more grateful then.  We didn't have a lot of things, but we had a lot of people around us.  We were surrounded by friends at church, at school, and in our apartment building.   I remember being grateful for simple things like not having to pay for the kids to take the bus, and having friends that I could call at a moments notice.  I remember being sick one night...alien coming out of your stomach sick.  They boys were running around.  Matt took a whole loaf of bread and began using it like play dough.  I watched....and was just happy that he was occupied.  I called Loree...and she picked them all up and took them overnight.  I knew they were safe which allowed me to just sleep.  The alien was gone in the morning and she dropped the kids back off.  Maybe that explains what type of people we were around....and why my gratitude was so strong.  I still have my friends but sometimes life gets cluttered with things that don't really matter.  Having no money can be a blessing....it keeps life simple.   I have asked the boys many times if they felt cheated somehow with their childhood.  They respond with a resounding "no".  We may have been "poor" by someones standards, but we were very rich in ours. 

A Family Pinning

The boys and I went through many adventures in their early years, but none so exhausting as nursing school.  I started school when Matt was 6 months old.  I was actually signed up to begin National University for an Accounting Degree after Matt's birth.  I had these incredibly caring nurses when I delivered Matt; it changed the course of our lives forever.  I came out of the hospital with a new career goal.  I was taking courses at Grossmont College six months later. 

Matt was 6 months old when I started and 4 1/2 years when I completed.  We were on AFDC (Aid to Families with Dependant Children) for a total of five years.  It was one of the best days of my life when I got my first nursing paycheck and I could walk into Social Services and say that we didn't need help anymore.  I did work during that time but as a Work Study at Grossmont College.  I was blessed to have the job - the office that I worked for always worked with my crazy nursing student schedule and they built my confidence with their continual encouragement.

I was a 4.0 during all of my prerequisites (Chemistry, A&P, Microbiology, etc...) and dropped to a firm B when I actually hit my nursing classes.  At that point, I didn't care.  I just wanted to pass!  The boys were always a source of motivation.  We needed to have something to survive on and I was not going to stay on State Aid any longer than absolutely necessary.  It plays a bit with your head.

This was one of our happiest days.  When you graduate nursing school, there is also a nursing pinning ceremony.  This is all three boys pinning my pin on me.  I think I came away a bit scarred on my chest but proud none the same!  After four years of endless studying, clinical rotations, and sleep deprivation, we were done.  There are many stories to tell about things that happened during this time and afterward, but after looking at this picture, I remembered how much we were in this together.  The boys supplied my need to do well; I don't think I could have done it without them. 

Much more to tell about the four years that I as in school but I couldn't wait to show this picture.  It will always be one of my favorites.  It wasn't just my celebration that day.  It was one for all four of us...we were on our way to better days, although when looking back, what we had was pretty good even then!

It's all about the sports....

I spoke earlier to how Matthew was in constant motion.  He actually had asthma as a baby - the way that I knew that he was sick is that he was still.  If he was breathing....he was running.  We spent many long hours in the Emergency Room with a Nebulizer - unfortunately, Medical would not pay for the home version at that point.   The winter months were always frightening  as an asthma attack could lead to a bout of Pneumonia within days.  On one trip to Disneyland, we ended up back home in the MD office most of the day trying to keep Matt out of the hospital.   None of this seemed to hold him back, however.

Matt seemed to move effortlessly from sport to sport.  Every summer brought a different focus that he would become almost obsessive about.  His first love when he was in grade school was skateboarding.  He would practice tricks again and again until he perfected them, many times making older boys stare in envy.  He was fearless - jumping off the roof, sliding down railings...and never breaking a bone.  I've said before, God protects fools and children....I'm not sure which category he was falling into.  

Matt played baseball for several years.  He rotated between being a left handed pitcher, 2nd base and outfield.  He loved the game but hated the parental politics that always seemed to follow the sport.  When he made All Stars the last year that he played, he ended up having scheduling issues.  He had taken up fishing and had a deep sea fishing trip planned with a family friend.  He was being forced to choose - fishing won.  He finished out the season and never seemed to look back.  There was always something else to do, anyway. 

One summer it was surfing.  Eric dropped off a group of boys in Cardiff every day on his way to work.  He picked them up at the end of the day.  Matt would come back wet, tan and tired.....and would get up and do it all again the next day.  Surfing ended up loosing out the the sport that lasted the longest....

BASKETBALL.....

Basketball outlasted everything else - and is still Matt's favorite today.   It has unfortunately been a bit unkind to him lately...he has lived through an ACL tear, Meniscus tear, and two surgeries.  We spent another hour in the Intermediate Care again last night, and are expecting that another surgery may be coming.   It doesn't seem to matter...he will keep playing.  For Matt...it's all about the movement.   I'm hoping that he earns a great deal of money in his future....he may need it to replace all of his joints at some point!

My first love...

Christopher was the first.  He was the one that convinced me that I could be a mother, in spite of all of my flaws.  He was my world for his first two years.  I remember going back to work after 2 months of being home with him and crying non-stop the first night.  It was so hard to leave.  I tried finding avenues to work at home - even doing a short stint with Arbitron Radio Ratings making calls from home.  Nothing brought the pay that we needed to survive so I was back at the Furniture Warehouse working night shift. 

One of the benefits of working for a furniture warehouse was the incredible number of large boxes available.  Chris would spend some evenings with me at work while I waited for the drivers to pick up their invoices for the next day.  I would create a whole box city for him to run through.  He loved it and was content for an amazing amount of time.  I'm not sure if my boss knew that Chris was spending so much time with me at work - I think that as long as I got my work done, he just sighed and turned his head.

Chris loved his Johny Jump Up - a contraption that I'm sure has been outlawed in more recent times.  We would hook it up to the doorway and he would jump and swing himself for hours.  Why we never thought about what would happen if the very heavy metal piece came crashing down on his head but apparently ignorance is bliss and God protects fools and children.  We never had a single accident with it.  He was a very easy baby, a quiet little boy, a pensive adolescent, a moody teenager and a self-assured man.  It's been amazing to see him grow and change over the years.

I was 24 when Christopher came along...he helped me to grow up and see what it was to care for someone else.  I had been a very self-absorbed young adult...responsible on the outside, a complete mess on the inside.  Even though I was married, I still didn't really know how to put my life down for someone else.  Chris and I went through ups and downs in his childhood....I made many mistakes (and I'm not just talking about those bangs....).  I learned a lot from him and his continual love for me. 

One of my favorite stories about Chris was from about 9 years ago.  All three boys were flying to Florida to see their Dad for a week.  I flew with them on the way out and then turned around 2 hours later to return to San Diego.  We had a plane change in Atlanta which required going to the complete opposite side of the airport.  As we jumped aboard the shuttle, Chris looked really worried.  I didn't ask for a few minutes, while I struggled to figure out where our next gate was.  After I got us settled, I asked him what he was thinking about.  He looked up, concerned, and said, "Mom, I don't thing I'm going to be able to get my brothers to the right plane on the way back...".  After giving him a very long hug, I assured him that they would be escorted from one plane to the next.  I came away, however, knowing that there was sense of responsibility growing in him with being the oldest.  This came out several other times in years earlier....once when he saw a dresser toppling on his little brother and put himself under it to protect him and another time when he pulled Matthew out of the pool when he fell in.  Glimpses of the man he would become.  Chris had many struggles as a child - some things that he was handed that just weren't fair.  Always, though, I knew that he would be OK...and I look at him now....and know that my intuition was right. 

Who is that Baby?

You can't have boys without spending a great deal of time on the floor.  One of our favorite games was "Stand on My Hands".  I would lay on the floor and the boys would stand on my hands, and then I would lift them in the air.  I would also flip them over my head and send them reeling into the living room.  This could explain why they were pretty independent early on when they were hurt.  I don't think they trusted that I would make it better!

Tommy was an expert at this game and would stand up forever if I would let him.  You can tell by the picture that I was much more into floor time than doing silly alternatives....like cleaning the house.  I'm not sure why we had a pile of laundry on the table but I'm only hoping it was clean. 

Now, Tommy was not a pretty baby.  He knows this.  I'm not being unkind...it's the truth.  He was born with red hair that grew into an old-man comb over in a matter of weeks.  His skin was milky-white (very concerning to his Hispanic father) and he was chubby in all the wrong places.  He had beautiful blue eyes that tended to have a "hey, how did I get here?" look to them.  Fortunately, this was just his awkward stage...he was just going through it about 12 years too early.  After a year, he grew into an absolutely striking toddler that could have become a professional people handler.  Everyone he had contact with was enthralled with him.

As a toddler, he was a complete tow-head.  Blond hair that bleached in the summer to almost white.  Skin that darkened just enough to look tan and a smile that could warm the coldest heart.  He brought one of my best friends to me.  She was teaching Sunday School and he became her constant companion.  Loree met me first as Tommy's mother.  She later became my saving grace when looking for day care for Christopher when he was starting Kindergarten. 

He also started his night owl tendencies very early.  We were living with my best friend from high school, Cheri and her husband Ron.  All four of us were sleeping in her living room of a one bedroom apartment.  All four of us would go to bed at the same time...and when the rest of us were asleep, Tommy would toddle into Cheri and Ron's bedroom to crawl into bed with them.  They liked to stay up late watching TV and Tommy loved the individual time that brought. 

This could explain why getting him to take Naps during the day didn't seem to be a problem!

Where is Mattie?

In line with Matt's graduation, I began remembering his first school experience.  I was attending Grossmont College for the RN program.  They had a wonderful day care on the campus - one I took advantage of for all three kids for a time.  Each one went through their pre-school before entering Kindergarten.  I loved being able to see the boys when I had a break from classes. 

One day, I was walking in the Quad and saw Matt's teacher.  I was excited to be able to see my baby boy for a few minutes on the way to class.  I walked up the to class and started scanning the kids for my little guy.  Hmmmm....where is he?  After a few minutes, I approached the teacher.
"I can't seem to find Matt....am I just missing him?"
She started scanning the group herself, and then stated out loud, "Where is Matt?" 

Now there's nothing to strike fear in your heart as a parent than the care provider asking you where your kid is. 

"ummmmm.....I don't know....I left him with you....", I pointed out.
She began to take on the frantic look that I am well aware of as a parent.  This was not helping me, I must add.

We started walking back to the class to figure out...what, I wasn't sure.  I just wanted by kid.  When we walked in the door, it was apparent what had happened. 

Matt was asleep in the corner....by himself....in a big room.  The teacher looked incredibley embarrassed...rightfully so.  I asked the simple question...."hmmmm...do you count heads or anything before you leave?"

I can guarantee you that they did after that day.  I did leave him there...it seemed that he would get closer attention for the remainder of his time there.  If nothing else, I knew at least he would be the first one that they would count!

My 3 Sons

One thing that has always amazed me is how three children with the same genetic makeup can be so different.  I used to joke that my boys looked like the Mailman, the Milkman and the Fedex Guy.  After looking at some pictures tonight, I found two that illustrated this point perfectly. 

Christoper was always the silent observer.   He would quietly sit and take in the situation, sometime stuck to my leg like a brace.   He was painfully shy in his early years.  I told one of his friends once that we could barely get him to talk when he was little.  He replied, "Really?  I can't ever get him to shut up!".  Chris is no longer shy and can talk nonstop about cars, animals, movies, etc all while he's taking his car apart in our garage.  Who would have known when he was five that he was just saving all of his words up for later?

Tommy was always the social butterfly.  Always the jokster, looking for the laugh, and I think at 3, he knew more people than I did.  We would go to church and people would continually come up to talk to him.  He continues with these attributes today.  If there is something to laugh about, Tommy will find it...and humiliate you with it...He does it with such charm that you really can't be mad.  But in my case...you can find ways to get even!

Matt was the active one....always on the go.  There was no way to hold him down and he resembled Pig-Pen when he was outside.  I could clean him up and the minute he hit the door, he was covered in dirt.   This would be my attempt to hold him for a picture...all he wanted was DOWN...DOWN....DOWN!!!  This started a long line of skate boarding, bike riding, surfing and sports.  There are few instances of seeing Matt sit still even now.

And then there's me....All I can say is that chasing three boys around left me much thinner.....Maybe I should have a few more....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! 

Both of these pictures were taken at the same time.  I have a whole roll of pictures from that day.  I was trying to get some family pictures taken without going to the photographer of the day, Olan Mills.   A friend who was doing a side business as a photographer was helping us out.  Looking back, she did me a great service of grabbing the boys personalities and immortalizing them on film.  Now... if time would have stood still for just a little while longer.....

Scrapbooking by a Non Scrapper....

It's 1:00am and I can't sleep.  I've decided that I can't sleep because....I don't scrap book.  It's not that I haven't tried.  I even took a class.  I came away with four complete pages, a large box of colored paper and huge boxes of photos that are no more organized than when I started.   This is somehow attacking my motherhood.  Real mothers scrapbook....they have album after album of beautifully decorated pages that are framed with precision cut embellishments.  These will become family heirlooms for their children to share lovingly with their children....a legacy.  What will my children get?  Three big boxes of pictures.  And not even separated by child.  It will be a free-for-all.  I would feel better if at least they had a big financial inheritance coming their way.  No such luck...! 

So, I've decided to reclaim my "good" motherhood status and instead of scrapbooking, I will blog....with pictures and stories of our lifetime together.  I am deep down hoping that this is not some weird omen that I'm about to get hit by a Mac truck and the premonition is driving me to write things down.  Maybe I should type slowly just in case....

The title "It's another boy" comes from  Matt's birth.  I had no idea what I was about to have.  I went in the mother of two boys and everyone was telling me, "maybe it's a girl!".  Little did they know having a girl scared that heck out of me.  I knew what to do with boys...and even though I was a girl, I wasn't quite sure if I was good at it...you know, being a girl.  How the heck would I teach a little girl to be sweet and feminine?  Everyone in the operating room knew that I had two boys (I'm defective...I delivered all three by C-section).  I couldn't see anything - there was big blue sheet separating me from my bottom half.  When the doctor pulled Matt out, everyone was quiet for a brief moment.  The anesthesiologist broke the silence with "It's another boy!".  Ahhhhhh.....relief......I had three sons....I'm in my comfort zone.

So, this will be my legacy to my boys.  It may not make up for lack of money but I'm hoping they enjoy it just the same.  Dont' expect any rhyme or reason or chronological order.  For those of you that know me, you know my head is a complicated place.  It's something akin to the filing system at a government agency.  Doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense to anyone not doing the actual filing.  I'll take some time to look at my big box of pictures and write what comes to mind.  Come with me on the journey.  It's been quite a ride.....